February 22, 2016


Today I am 18 weeks pregnant.  I've put off writing this post because I didn't know what to say.  For some reason, writing about the pain of losing a pregnancy was easier than writing about all of the emotions that have come with this pregnancy.  But if I am so willing to share my experiences of losing a pregnancy, why shouldn't I be willing to share my experience of keeping a pregnancy after loss?

It took a while to believe that this was really happening.  I struggled to be happy for the first two months. But then we passed 8 weeks, which was when our most recent loss occurred.  Then we heard the heartbeat once, twice, three times, each time so clear and so beautiful.  Then, at eleven weeks, we learned that we were having a son.  Rhys Jonathan, we named him.  Our little Rhys.

Every day is a new day.  Every morning I wake up, and my hand goes instinctively to my belly, feeling that hard, round bump that has begun to form.  Throughout the day, as I visit patients and talk with hospital staff, I can occasionally feel Rhys moving.  Little pokes from the inside, like a reminder.  "I'm in here, Mommy.  Don't forget about me."

I was afraid to buy anything at first, afraid to jinx the pregnancy.  I didn't want to make plans, to look at strollers or cribs or carseats.  I didn't want anything that might still be around to remind us, in case something happened.  But slowly, others started giving us things: adorable onesies, Doctor Who hat and socks, a carseat, a stroller.  Hand-me-downs were offered, and the question of a baby shower was brought up.  I started an Amazon Baby Registry, and got overwhelmed just thinking about what to put on it.  I bought fabric samples to go with our nursery theme - monsters.  I bought patterns for little boy suits and hats.

We still have time, of course, before Rhys arrives.  Time to figure out where we will be living.  Time to pick out nursery furniture.  Time to sew some cute baby clothes.  Time to knit a blanket.  Time for a few baby showers.  Time to adjust to the idea of having a baby.  But the weeks are moving by fast now.  We are almost halfway there.  Soon, I won't be able to hid my bump.  We'll be decorating the nursery and installing the carseat.  We'll be deciding what outfit to bring him home in.  We'll start packing a hospital bag for when the time comes.  Soon, that time will come, and we'll meet our little boy, and hold him in our arms.  Soon, we will have a son.

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